Just deleted tens of thousands of messages I’ve had with some people on my Blackberry. Hoping to start anew. I’m sure I’ll miss some of those memories. But then again, memories are to be missed. I think no song fits my mood better than ＜＜那些年＞＞ right now. Sometimes I think this is why people only have one important person in their lives. Love spreads thin when you share it with that seven or eight. And thinner. And thinner.
The worst thing is I don’t feel any form of aggresivity. No anger or angst or hatred. And that’s troublesome because then I can’t dispel it as easily. I can’t go and pick a fight with some random gang at Clarke Quay like I did the last time and beat them down to vent my frustration. It’s a sinking feeling now.
I’m sitting at a quiet corner in a bar waiting now. I see people, couples, happy. I haven’t felt this horrible in ages and this feeling sucks to the core. I spent 2 hours sitting still on my bed just now because my limbs were so weak. Apparently, horrible thoughts CAN sap all your energy and chip at your soul. I love you more than others, and it’s something I’ll keep to myself because you have your own life to lead. One that would be better off without me. Maybe it’s a pride thing for me - an all or nothing business. And that’s also why I don’t want to tell you what’s on my mind. I’ll survive somehow. I’ll find a substitute, substitutes.